Play with your "Heroes," buy stuff MTV tells you to, and don't be informed. It's the least you could do for your country.

"Heroes" continues to strike while the iron is cold: They're unleashing a bunch of dolls action figures of the characters, starting next month, when cheerleader Claire, time-bending Hiro, moody Peter, ineffectual Mohinder and bad-guy Syler hit stores. The gyp, of course, comes when you melt down your Claire doll and discover that it doesn't have the same indestructible superpowers that she does. On the other hand, when you misplace your Hiro doll, that proves it has slipped through the time-space continuum. And be careful around that Sylar doll - he might slice open your skull and swipe your brain after absorbing your special ability to spend your workday playing spider solitaire.

But, good news! This announcement came with some of the most hyperbolic press-release gibberish we've seen in months:

Some guy from NBC: "We are certain that the loyal 'Heroes' fans will feel that these figures reflect the action and excitement of the series." Yeah, seven-inch-tall chunks of plastic really wind me up with their visceral recreations of spectacular sequences - oh, wait.

Some guy from the toy company stamping these things out: "NBC has a rich and proud history and Mezco is very excited to become a part of that tradition. Having our first series of seven inch 'Heroes' action figures on display at the storied '30 Rock' building in New York City is truly a dream come true for us and seeing the excitement of the 'Heroes' fans as they view the figures makes the dream all the more sweeter." Man, dreams really aren't what they used to be.

*

MTV is proud of the fact that it's a nonstop playground of advertising, product placement and, in general, hawking crap rather than trying to entertain viewers:

"Dario Spina, who handles [integrated marketing] for MTV's entertainment channels like Comedy Central and Spike, said ... 'That's the idea here; we want to blur the lines between the commercial breaks and the entertainment content.'"

Call me antiquated and old-fashioned, but I prefer having the option to mute the TV when the commercials come on so I can watch little wacky online films featuring Hillary Clinton trying to operate a coffee machine or Maria Bamford being exquisitely neurotic or Tim Fite smashing flowerpots or Tom Waits being Tom Waits. I don't want to be told to buy something I don't need, unless it's sweet, sweet booze.

The only example of this sinister plot I've witnessed is Stephen Colbert hawking a snack chip he clearly holds in at least a little disdain on "The Colbert Report" (Comedy Central is part of the MTV networks). I doubt other shows manage their plugs with such curdled irony.

Does everything have to be commercialized? It sickens me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to snack on some delicious Trader Joe's© pinwheels - which will I have? BBQ Chicken Breast or Havana Style? I'll let you know later!

*

Here's a shocker: Media outlets have been reticent to follow a New York Times report (which we previously mentioned) about how media outlets were played for dupes by "military analysts" who were actually shills for the Iraq war. Actually, they're just taking a page from the Bush Administration playbook - if you don't 'fess up to a mistake, then it never happened.