Overkill? Bravo!

Cable network Bravo announced on Monday sinister plans to make it impossible for the ordinary American to go anywhere in public without being reminded of the reality show "Top Chef." Of course, Bravo wasn't so honest as to phrase it that way: They called their nefarious plot "major retail and merchandising partnerships created to extend the Bravo brand beyond the television screen and directly into the viewers' environment."

Some of the strategy isn't surprising or, even, offensive. "Top Chef: The Cookbook," which has been out for a month, fairly seems a no-brainer. "Top Chef: The 2009 Calendar," while nothing I'd want to see on my walls, is harmless enough, as is this fall's cross-promotion with a kitchen-housewares company that'll give you the book free if you spring for $400 in cookware (though, again, I intend to spend $400 in cookware over the entire span of my life).

"Top Chef's" 20-city nationwide tour, likewise, is not particularly odious - it will feature former contestants offering cooking demonstrations. The "Top Chef" culinary school, also featuring the TV contestants as instructors offering classes this summer in New York City, is pushing it, but has not yet utterly lapsed over into brazen bad taste.

But I start to draw the line with the "Top Chef" mobile game - what does your cell phone have to do with fine dining? And Bravo really plunges into the ninth ring of hell with its "Top Chef Crusining Experience," launching in a year, also featuring former "Top Chef" contestants giving even more cooking demonstrations that serve as the only respite from the mind-numbing tedium that can only come from being adrift at sea for weeks at a time.

Not that I have anything against cruises (see previous sentence), but it seems like Bravo's missing a good bet by not expanding the cruise theme to also incorporate some of its other reality programming and casting a wider net for potential customers. Since patrons will be eating nonstop, it would only be thoughtful for them to also offer a "Workout" seminar so that customers will still fit into their clothing at the end of the trip. And "Project Runway" demonstrations would teach cruisegoers, who will be financially depleted by journey's end, how to make their own clothing out of asparagus and tin foil. They could share some crack with the star of "Being Bobby Brown," dabble in whatever the hell "Hey Paula's" Paula Abdul is on and then lose some more cash in "Celebrity Poker Showdown" matches (hey, on TV the word "celebrity" has become so diluted that reality-show contestants qualify nowadays - just ask Kathy Griffin, star of "My Life on the D-List").

And, of course, they could throw in the "Real Housewives" of Orange County and New York and the cruise would be transformed into a floating key party. Naturally, they'd film everything and have yet another reality show.

C'mon, Bravo! If you're going to be cynical moneymakers, take it to its logical, Kurtzian conclusion!