Fox's upfront this afternoon in 651 words or (a lot) more

Opening: Stars of Fox shows stand onstage, waving cheerfully. Includes Sarah Wayne Callies, who got offed this season on "Prison Break" but will miraculously recover from her beheading, who waves less cheerfully. Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz of "Bones" exchange wan, not terribly funny banter of the sort that is usually a staple of upfront week but has gone sorely missed (or not) to this point this year.

Jon Nesvig, president, Fox Sales: Super Bowl blah blah blah NASCAR blah baseball blah blah. Here's something that's interesting - Nesvig considers baseball's All-Star game "the event of the summer," not the Olympics; the fact that the latter are on NBC may have something to do with that assessment. God, he has a droning voice; he sounds like he wants to kill himself and I'm not feeling so good, either. He maunders on: C3 blah blah enduring truths blah blah blah vital role in delivering purchase intent blah blah impactful advertising with immediacy blah hyper-targeting oh-sweet-God-take-me-now.

Peter Liguori, chairman, Fox Broadcasting: We service viewers first. (Should he be telling advertisers this?) Redefine viewing experience/remote-free TV/scary financial proposition blah and some more blah.

Kevin Reilly, president, Fox Entertainment: We're full-throttle in spring. Introduces new shows, including the two that'll feature limited commercial interruption throughout the season, J.J. Abrams' "Fringe" and Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse;" fanboys across the country are cleaning the spunk off their keyboards.

"Fringe:" Discussed in previous entry. Looks pretty good.

"Dollhouse:" Discussed in previous entry, too; too complicated to explain in a trailer, so it must be cool (and it looks it); fanboys are advised to keep spunk-cleaning wipes near their computers from now until both shows debut.

"Do Not Disturb:" Eh. Life among employees at a trendy New York hotel. Dumb, sexist boss doesn't care about the employees. Smart, sassy sub-boss cares for the employees. A stiletto-heel fetish and Molly Stanton seems funny as a stereotypically vain anorexic, but that's about it.

Next, two dramas that may or may not be on Fox at some point in the future: "Lie To Me" and "Courtroom K." Creators discuss them; not enough footage to assess one way or another.

"24:" Two-hour movie coming in November, then the season that was supposed to be this season, next season. Got that? Kiefer Sutherland seems like he really means it when he thanks advertisers for the "best seven years of my life." But then, he does have an Emmy, so he's obviously a good actor.

Next, two comedies that may or may not be on Fox at some point in the future: "Boldly Going Nowhere" (no footage but it's from an "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" creator, so that's promising) and "Outnumbered," typical typical typical dysfunctional-family sitcom.

"Secret Millionaire:" Reality show where rich guys go undercover in poor neighborhoods and find nice people to give money to. Reilly says, "It's so positive and uplifting, I had to check it came from Mike Darnell." (Darnell is Fox's reality-show evil genius who cooks up so many of the network's crassest programs.) Actually, I was thinking the same thing when Reilly said it. Was he reading my mind? Get out of my head, Kevin Reilly!

Two new cartoons that will be on Fox (not much footage from either, but given their lineages, expect good things): "The Cleveland Show" (spinoff of "Family Guy") and "Sit Down, Shut Up" (adapted from a live-action comedy from Australia about burned-out teachers by "Arrested Development's" Mitch Hurwitz, who avers that, as he was brought up in our own crumbling education system, "I didn't know what Australia was." More jokes like that and it'll do fine.

That's all they got, but Reilly wants people to hang around longer, so he brings out contestants from "So You Think You Can Dance." Sorry, people who think they can dance, I have traffic to beat, so I'm outta here.

Fox's fall schedule is here, so here's its (tentative) January schedule (you know the drill - * = new show; ** = new timeslot):

Monday
8 p.m. "Dollhouse"
9 p.m. "24"

Tuesday
8 p.m. "American Idol"
9 p.m. "Fringe" *

Wednesday
8 p.m. "House" **
9 p.m. "American Idol" **
9:30 p.m. Comedy to be named at a later date *

Thursday

8 p.m. "Hell's Kitchen" **
9 p.m. "Secret Millionaire" *

Friday
8 p.m. "Bones" **
9 p.m. "'Till Death" **
9:30 p.m. "Do Not Disturb" * and **

Saturday
8 p.m. "Cops"
9 p.m. "America's Most Wanted"

Sunday
7 p.m. Comedy repeats
8 p.m. "The Simpsons"
8:30 p.m. "King of the Hill"/"Sit Down, Shut Up" *
9 p.m. "Family Guy"
9:30 p.m. "American Dad"/"The Cleveland Show" *

In short: The No. 1 network looks to be in pretty-to-really-good shape. Just never let Jon Nesvig speak in public again.