A while back, Adult Swim began to seem to lose its way. Cartoon Network's late-night bloc aimed at 14-year-old boys made its name on its inspired parody spin-offs of old Hanna-Barbera characters - "Space Ghost Coast to Coast," "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law," "Sealab 2021" and even "The Brak Show" offered nostalgia through a Dadaistic lens. Seeing old characters who were not terribly beloved but yet not thoroughly hated going behaving like petulant chumps and dithering morons was a blast of fresh air that had viewers helplessly laughing at the incongruity and inanity of it all. For some viewers, watching these shows was a sort of cathartic penance for numbly, uncritically watching the original junk shows back in the day.

Those shows didn't earn their creators much money, though, since the characters were still owned by Turner (who owned the Hanna-Barbera library), so people started knocking off shows so casually and so effortlessly (literally: No effort seemed to be involved whatsoever) that all that was left was the randomness of the plotting, the cranky attitude and the jaunty nihilism.

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force" gets a pass because it approximated the other early shows by looking like they were constructed from clip art but featured decent characters and a smart absurdist bent; it looked like they were ripping off and mocking something, even if they weren't. "Boondocks," based on Aaron McGruder's much-missed comic strip, went in another direction - it had a distinct and ambitious if somewhat embittered sensibility, and then just tried to get jokes out of using the N-word a bunch. Shows that followed, like "Tom Goes to the Mayor" and "Robot Chicken" were/are funny but they achieved an endgame in the Dada department. The jokes were random, the characters, stupid; there was nowhere else to go.

Not that they didn't try. "Stroker and Hoop," "12 oz. Mouse," "Moral Orel," MinoriTeam" and "Squidbillies" were sloppy, lazy, one-note parodies that basically held their characters in contempt, if they bothered to think about them at all, and Dramamine was recommended to survive the randomly zigzagging plotlines. By this point, particularly with "12 oz. Mouse" and "Squidbillies," the cheesiness of the execution was pretty much the entire joke, if there was one to begin with.

Which brings us to "Metalocalypse," which returns Sunday at midnight. The show falls somewhere between the two extremes - sure, all the characters are stupid, but the show itself exudes some smarts; and yes, cynicism is the overriding mindset, but at least here it comes from somewhere where such wry despair has been hard-won.

The show is about Dethklok, a hardcore death-metal band that has become the most celebrated pop-culture entity on the planet, so much so that they've become a multinational conglomerate that doesn't really have to do much of anything and still their fans remain rabid. The military routinely holds briefings on their activities, seemingly out of concern for their well-being, though this could be clever subterfuge. Music video sequences feature much bloodletting and vomiting, but only, I'm sure, because it's organic to the plotline.

Like I said, everyone in the band is an idiot, identifiable mainly by their accents. Their names are, befitting a death-metal band, grotesqueries: Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Skwisgaar Swigelf, Toki Wartooth (these last two are Scandinavians) and Pickles (who hails from Wisconsin).

Pickles has to do the heavy lifting in the season's first couple of episodes. In one, his useless scofflaw of a brother, Seth, invites the band to his impending nuptials; everyone sees this as Seth's attempts to leech big bucks off his brother, but the band all attends, anyway. (The Military Intelligence white paper on the Marriage-Industrial Complex is brutal stuff - not necessarily untrue, mind you, but brutal.)

Pickles wants out, but the other band members are drunk on Schadenfreude, enjoying his suffering too much to rescue him from his time with family. And the wedding can pretty much be summed up with this line: "I've never seen so much blood at a wedding - awesome."

In a future episode, Pickles hires Liz Bain (think Pat Kingsley; clearly, the show's writers were) as his personal publicist, and, despite public appearances that might be considered humiliating at best and appalling at worst, he becomes more popular than the rest of the band. Of course, Liz isn't really a publicist but the head of any number of cults; she's using Pickles to bring on Armageddon. She's only vaguely successful.

Vocal talent on this 15-minute cartoon includes Malcolm McDowell, Mark Hamill and Laraine Newman. Sir Richard Attenborough may have directed a couple of early episodes. So, yeah, it's a cult thing, but not just for people who can listen to death metal without their ears bleeding.

- "Metalocalypse:" midnight Sundays; Adult Swim.

Mediaweek's ratings guru Marc Berman has done some post-upfronts math and come up with some shocking statistics (OK, more like just kind of interesting statistics, but again, no one wants to cop to reading something that's just kind of interesting, so shocking it is):

Number of New Shows Overall:
16 (versus 29 in fall 2007)
Dramas: 10 (versus 16 in fall 2007)

Sitcoms: 4 (versus 6 in fall 2007)

Non-Scripted: 2 (versus 7 in fall 2007)

By Network:

ABC: 2
(as opposed to 8 last fall)
CBS: 5
(5 last fall, as well)
NBC: 4 (5 last fall)
Fox: 2
(5 last fall)
CW: 3 (6 last year, but then, they actually were programming Sundays back then)

A cursory look at these numbers and you might think the writers strike had a huge impact on the fall season, but the numbers are inflated a bit by the big drop in the number of new reality shows. (And the two new reality series that did get picked up come from the networks that took the laziest approaches to their fall schedules - ABC and The CW.) The networks constantly tout and embrace reality as inexpensive programming that's every bit as good as scripted material, but it looks as though when they look deep into their hearts, they really understand that, with rare exceptions, it's at best stopgap programming.

"Extra" -- Why Does Jennifer Love Hewitt Wear Makeup?

Well, actually, they were about what you'd expect, but that's not nearly as interesting a headline, is it?

* 31% said they watch none of the shows they TiVo. 35% said they only watch about 10% of the shows they TiVo.

60% said they watch their favorite shows live, but that number drops to 51% with TiVo users.

13% of TiVo users still watch shows on the day they aired, while 21% watch TiVo'd shows later on.

* 66% prefer product placement in programs over commercials interrupting the show, but 31% said product placement takes them out of the show. Only 3% said product placement makes them want to buy said product.

* Only 1% said they "most often" watch TV on their computer.

* Nearly 60% said they no longer anticipate the fall season as highly as they used to. And this poll was taken before this week's upfront presentations - just imagine how low that number would be now.

Opening: Stars of Fox shows stand onstage, waving cheerfully. Includes Sarah Wayne Callies, who got offed this season on "Prison Break" but will miraculously recover from her beheading, who waves less cheerfully. Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz of "Bones" exchange wan, not terribly funny banter of the sort that is usually a staple of upfront week but has gone sorely missed (or not) to this point this year.

Jon Nesvig, president, Fox Sales: Super Bowl blah blah blah NASCAR blah baseball blah blah. Here's something that's interesting - Nesvig considers baseball's All-Star game "the event of the summer," not the Olympics; the fact that the latter are on NBC may have something to do with that assessment. God, he has a droning voice; he sounds like he wants to kill himself and I'm not feeling so good, either. He maunders on: C3 blah blah enduring truths blah blah blah vital role in delivering purchase intent blah blah impactful advertising with immediacy blah hyper-targeting oh-sweet-God-take-me-now.

Peter Liguori, chairman, Fox Broadcasting: We service viewers first. (Should he be telling advertisers this?) Redefine viewing experience/remote-free TV/scary financial proposition blah and some more blah.

Kevin Reilly, president, Fox Entertainment: We're full-throttle in spring. Introduces new shows, including the two that'll feature limited commercial interruption throughout the season, J.J. Abrams' "Fringe" and Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse;" fanboys across the country are cleaning the spunk off their keyboards.

"Fringe:" Discussed in previous entry. Looks pretty good.

"Dollhouse:" Discussed in previous entry, too; too complicated to explain in a trailer, so it must be cool (and it looks it); fanboys are advised to keep spunk-cleaning wipes near their computers from now until both shows debut.

"Do Not Disturb:" Eh. Life among employees at a trendy New York hotel. Dumb, sexist boss doesn't care about the employees. Smart, sassy sub-boss cares for the employees. A stiletto-heel fetish and Molly Stanton seems funny as a stereotypically vain anorexic, but that's about it.

Next, two dramas that may or may not be on Fox at some point in the future: "Lie To Me" and "Courtroom K." Creators discuss them; not enough footage to assess one way or another.

"24:" Two-hour movie coming in November, then the season that was supposed to be this season, next season. Got that? Kiefer Sutherland seems like he really means it when he thanks advertisers for the "best seven years of my life." But then, he does have an Emmy, so he's obviously a good actor.

Next, two comedies that may or may not be on Fox at some point in the future: "Boldly Going Nowhere" (no footage but it's from an "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" creator, so that's promising) and "Outnumbered," typical typical typical dysfunctional-family sitcom.

"Secret Millionaire:" Reality show where rich guys go undercover in poor neighborhoods and find nice people to give money to. Reilly says, "It's so positive and uplifting, I had to check it came from Mike Darnell." (Darnell is Fox's reality-show evil genius who cooks up so many of the network's crassest programs.) Actually, I was thinking the same thing when Reilly said it. Was he reading my mind? Get out of my head, Kevin Reilly!

Two new cartoons that will be on Fox (not much footage from either, but given their lineages, expect good things): "The Cleveland Show" (spinoff of "Family Guy") and "Sit Down, Shut Up" (adapted from a live-action comedy from Australia about burned-out teachers by "Arrested Development's" Mitch Hurwitz, who avers that, as he was brought up in our own crumbling education system, "I didn't know what Australia was." More jokes like that and it'll do fine.

That's all they got, but Reilly wants people to hang around longer, so he brings out contestants from "So You Think You Can Dance." Sorry, people who think they can dance, I have traffic to beat, so I'm outta here.

Fox's fall schedule is here, so here's its (tentative) January schedule (you know the drill - * = new show; ** = new timeslot):

Monday
8 p.m. "Dollhouse"
9 p.m. "24"

Tuesday
8 p.m. "American Idol"
9 p.m. "Fringe" *

Wednesday
8 p.m. "House" **
9 p.m. "American Idol" **
9:30 p.m. Comedy to be named at a later date *

Thursday

8 p.m. "Hell's Kitchen" **
9 p.m. "Secret Millionaire" *

Friday
8 p.m. "Bones" **
9 p.m. "'Till Death" **
9:30 p.m. "Do Not Disturb" * and **

Saturday
8 p.m. "Cops"
9 p.m. "America's Most Wanted"

Sunday
7 p.m. Comedy repeats
8 p.m. "The Simpsons"
8:30 p.m. "King of the Hill"/"Sit Down, Shut Up" *
9 p.m. "Family Guy"
9:30 p.m. "American Dad"/"The Cleveland Show" *

In short: The No. 1 network looks to be in pretty-to-really-good shape. Just never let Jon Nesvig speak in public again.

So Fox's big news is that it will limit the amount of ad time next season in every episode of its two highly anticipated shows, which means that J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon will have extra time every hour to further confuse and obfuscate fans of their brand of spinning dense webs of mysery and mythology.

Of those two shows, J.J. Abrams' "Fringe" looked nominally cooler, because its conspiracy was easier to follow in its trailer: Hot Fed (Anna Torv) investigates icky mass death in an airliner which leads to bizarre conspiracy that perhaps only a crazy genius (John Noble) and his son (Joshua Jackson) can unlock, and Lance Reddick of "The Wire" (and "Lost") is in it.

Hard to say what's going on in "Dollhouse" based on the cut-down that was presented, so I'll leave it to Fox's crack publicity staff's press release:

"Joss Whedon, creator of groundbreaking cult favorites 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and 'Firefly,' returns to television and reunites with fellow 'Buffy' alumna Eliza Dushku for a thrilling new drama, DOLLHOUSE. ECHO (Dushku) is an 'Active,' a member of a highly illegal and underground group who have had their personalities wiped clean so they can be imprinted with any number of new personas. Confined to a secret facility known as the 'Dollhouse,' Echo and the other Actives including SIERRA (Dichen Lachman, 'Neighbors') and VICTOR (Enver Gjokaj, 'The Unit') carry out engagements assigned by ADELLE (Olivia Williams, 'X-Men: The Last Stand,' 'Rushmore'), one of the Dollhouse leaders. The engagements cater to the wealthy, powerful and connected, and require the Actives to immerse themselves in all manner of scenarios romantic, criminal, uplifting, dangerous, comical and the occasional 'pro bono' good deed. After each scenario, Echo, always under the watchful eye of her handler BOYD (Harry Lennix, 'Commander in Chief,' '24'), returns to the mysterious Dollhouse where her thoughts, feelings and experiences are erased by TOPHER (Fran Kranz, 'Welcome to the Captain'), the Dollhouse's genius programmer. Echo enters the next scenario with no memory of before. Or does she? As the series progresses, FBI Agent PAUL SMITH (Tahmoh Penikett, 'Battlestar Galactica') pieces together clues that lead him closer to the Dollhouse, while Echo stops forgetting, her memories begin to return and she slowly pieces together her mysterious past. DOLLHOUSE revolves around Echo's blossoming self-awareness and her desire to discover her true identity. But with each new engagement, comes a new memory and increased danger inside and outside the Dollhouse."

Got it?

Fox Chairman Peter Liguori, in trumpeting "Remote-free TV," said that in reducing the ad clutter, "Only Fox is putting the audience first." Well, for two shows, at least.

Coming soon: Breathless, action-packed play-by-play of Fox's upfront delivered of the sort you so enjoyed when it was done for ABC and CBS.

Here's the story on Fox's upfront that'll appear in the paper. More on the actual upfront (which would've been the shortest yet -- quite the turnaround for the network that puttered around for like three hours just a couple of years ago -- had they not trotted out "So You Think You Can Dance" contestants at the very end) in just a bit.

Fox announced on Thursday an innovative plan that actually harkens back to the earlier days of television: It will place fewer commercials in two dramas debuting during the 2008-09 season.

Called "Remote-free TV," the initiative was introduced in New York by Fox chairman Peter Liguori and the network's entertainment president, Kevin Reilly. It will be tested on "Lost" creator J.J. Abrams' new FBI conspiracy thriller "Fringe" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse," which stars Elisha Dushku as a member of a team of secret agents who are implanted with new personalities and abilities before each mission, after which their memories are erased.

Episodes of the dramas will contain half as much commercial time during each episode, or about five minutes of national advertising (in addition to commercials from local affiliates). The strategy is intended to prevent viewers from channel-surfing as much during commercial breaks, and the hope is that advertisers will pay a premium to spots run amid less clutter in two shows that already have generated a lot of advance buzz.

The network, which has long endured the challenge of launching new shows in the fall which invariably get interrupted by baseball playoffs and the World Series, will introduce but two new shows in September: "Fringe," which will air on Tuesdays after "House," and the comedy "Do Not Disturb," about the neurotic employees at a trendy Manhattan hotel. On Nov. 23, Fox will air a two-hour "24" movie that will retain the show's real-time conceit and will be shot in South Africa.

But for Fox, the season really begins in January, when "American Idol" and "24" - which didn't appear this season due to the writers strike - return. The network will also debut "Dollhouse," which will air on Mondays before "24."

Other midseason series include the animated comedies, "The Cleveland Show," which spins off a character from "Family Guy," and "Sit Down, Shut Up," a comedy about burned-out schoolteachers based on a live-action Australian comedy. It was developed for Fox by "Arrested Development" creator Mitch Hurwitz and will feature the voices of that show's alumni Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Henry Winkler.

Fox also introduced two dramas that are currently in development, with an eye toward turning one if not both into midseason replacement series: "Lie To Me," about behavioral experts recruited by law-enforcement officials to divine when suspects are lying in criminal investigations, and "Courtroom K," a legal drama from "House" executive producer Paul Attanasio.

The network additionally announced that next season, most "American Idol" results shows will be limited to 30 minutes. Reilly said that one of two comedies in development would likely follow: "Boldly Going Nowhere," from the creators of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," or the dysfunctional-family sitcom "Outnumbered."

Departing series include "Back to You," "New Amsterdam," "Canterbury's Law," "K-Ville," "The Return of Jezebel James," "Unhitched," "The Next Great American Band" and "Nashville."

... but there wasn't much to say. Fox will keep it simple this fall, adding but two new shows, before implementing more widespread changes come January. It's wimpy, like ABC's strategy, but really, as far as Fox is concerned the season doesn't really start until January because they're so busy contending with baseball in the fall.

Check back later, when I return from the upfront, for a full deconstruction; in the meantime, here's Fox's fall schedule * = new show; ** = new time slot):

Monday
8 p.m. "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles"
9 p.m. "Prison Break"

Tuesday
8 p.m. "House"
9 p.m. "Fringe" *

Wednesday
8 p.m. "Bones" **
9 p.m. "'Til Death" **
9:30 p.m. "Do Not Disturb" * (formerly "The Inn")

Thursday

8 p.m. "The Moment of Truth" **
9 p.m. "Kitchen Nightmares" **

Friday
8 p.m. "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" **
9 p.m. "Don't Forget the Lyrics" **

Saturday
8 p.m. "Cops"
9 p.m. "America's Most Wanted"

Sunday
7 p.m. "The O.T." (football overrun)
8 p.m. "The Simpsons"
8:30 p.m. "King of the Hill"
9 p.m. "Family Guy"
9:30 p.m. "American Dad"

Say what you will about producer Jerry Bruckheimer - and movie critics tend to be far harsher on the guy than TV critics - but without him, CBS might well be The CW.

Come the fall, Bruckheimer will be responsible for at least seven hours of the network's schedule - the three "CSI's," "Without a Trace," "Cold Case," "The Amazing Race" and the new "Eleventh Hour" - and, when you consider that his shows will usually comprise CBS's "Crimetime" repeats on Saturday, that means he's providing nine of the network's 22 primetime hours. And none of them as bad as "National Treasure," "Bad Boys 2," "Pearl Harbor," "Coyote Ugly," "Con Air, "Armageddon" or "Kangaroo Jack."

TV GUIDE NETWORK CELEBRATES "IDOL" MANIA WITH AN ENTIRE WEEK OF PROGRAMMING DEDICATED TO AMERICA'S #1 SHOW AND MORE THAN 100 HOURS OF "IDOL" PROGRAMMING

Each Day of the Week will Feature an "Idol"-Themed Program Including "Close-Up: Randy Jackson," "Idol Tonight: Live at the Finale" and a Special Fashion Team Episode Featuring the Glitz and Glamour from this Season and the "Idol" Red Carpet

CBS this afternoon introduced four more new shows, offered endless celebrity jabbering about its sundry media platforms and in general offered more information and less gasbaggery than ABC managed yesterday - and came in a couple of minutes shorter than ABC's presentation, as well.

So, here's how it played out:

Les Moonves, CBS COO: They're in Carnegie Hall; hence, a lame, tortured metaphor about CBS's TV, online, radio and billboard empire being akin to an orchestra. Lame, tortured metaphors were a recurring theme today.

Craig Ferguson: Mock praise for the advertisers in attendance for their uncanny ability to sell the boobs who watch CBS worthless junk they don't need. Proves once again that droll, amiable self-deprecation gets you far, even if your material wouldn't otherwise.

Adam Carolla: Vaguely bitter tirade on his career trajectory disguised as some sort of enthusiastic touting of CBS radio stations.

Quincy Smith, President, CBS Interactive: Insists more people go to websites attached to CBS.com than any other websites in the world. Our content follows our audience rather than our audience following our content, or something like that that no doubt sounded good when some overpaid consultant thought it up. Now, it just sounds like CBS content is a stalker.

Anthony E. Zuiker, creator, "CSI" franchise: I love CBS! Give it up for CBS - c'mon, clap! Some sort of artificial enthusiasm-enhancers speaking? Possibly. Unveils sinister scheme, "CSI 24/7/365," to ensure that no matter where you go, you will be inundated with "CSI"-related content - seriously, Grissom's gonna be dialing you up on your cell phone with spam calls, if Zuiker gets his way.

Rachel Ray: Lame, tortured metaphor comparing CBS's syndicated programming to a BBQ chicken sandwich. A captive audience of thousands had to sit through this.

Nina Tassler, President, CBS Entertainment: Not too much blah blah blah rah rah CBS; straight into introducing the new shows.

"Worst Week:" I was finishing up Emailing myself some notes while some of the clip was playing (anything to prevent having Rachel Ray burned into my retinas, and anyway, seems like half those in attendance were playing on their cell phones during the presentation, as well). Based (like most new shows this season) on an overseas hit, a British comedy about a couple's disastrous wedding preparations. As previously mentioned, ABC did a show like this a couple of years back, "Big Day;" didn't do well. But this one's on after "Two and a Half Men," and Jesus, people even proved willing to watch "Rules of Engagement" after "Two and a Half Men," so maybe it has a chance. Seemed to go waver between amusingly escalating mayhem and soaring waaay over the top.

"Project Gary:" Good lord, another one of these: Divorced guy (Jay Mohr) deals with ex (show-killer Paula Marshall, "Cupid," "Snoops," "Cursed," "Hidden Hills," "Out of Practice," etc.) and kids and new dating world in a warm and fuzzy and fizzy fashion. Apparently it's a lame, tortured metaphor on the state of the sitcom. It'll be paired with "The New Adventures of Old Christine" on Wednesdays, offering viewers potent reminders (as if they needed any more) of just how miserable divorced life is.

"Eleventh Hour:" Yet more from the Jerry Bruckheimer TeeVee sweatshop hit factory, based on a British show that looks like it was based on "The X-Files." "Brilliant biophysicist" (are there any mediocre biophysicists?) Dr. Jacob Hood (Rufus Sewell) helps the government find solutions to scientific crises (must be science-fiction, as our current government doesn't believe in science). Seems perhaps a tad overwrought, but it's on after "CSI" and opposite NBC's flatlining "ER" and ABC's "Life on Mars" so it should do OK.

"The Mentalist:" "Psych," only not as funny - a guy (Simon Baker) who used to pretend to be a psychic but really just has keen perceptive abilities helps cops solve crimes and doesn't play by the rules! Some sort of love-hate sexual frisson with his boss (Robin Tunney), too. Sandwiched between "NCIS" and "Without a Trace" on Tuesdays, it likely won't crater. (Former timeslot occupant "The Unit" has been shipped to Sunday night, to the timeslot where "Shark" went to die.)

"The Ex List:" Based on an Israeli show about a woman (here played by Elizabeth Reaser) who really really really wants to get married, only a psychic tells her she's already met her soul mate and if she can't track him down in a year, then it's spinsterhood for her. Well. How seriously can you take her if she's taking her romance cues from a psychic? Didn't "The Mentalist" already show us that they're all fakes? And while Reaser has been strong in some guest appearances on sundry shows I've seen, here she seems a little too "Aren't I adorable?" for my tastes. No matter, this isn't aimed at me - it's targeted at those same women who couldn't get a date on Friday night who didn't watch NBC's "Miss Match" or ABC's "Men in Trees," either.

"Harper's Island:" Midseason series about a group of friends who gather for a wedding on the titular landmass and then a whole bunch of people start getting murdered. Apparently a self-contained, one-shot deal, unless they get cold feet and dial back on the body count so they'll have characters still around for a second season. Maybe they can do cross-over episodes with "Worst Week," also about a disastrous wedding.

After ABC's depressing upfront on Tuesday (Mediaweek dismissed it as "unusually passive"), CBS will attempt to perk things up when it presents its 2008 fall schedule today. Remember last year, when CBS went all avant-garde on us with half-baked musicals and child slave-labor entertainments? This year, not so much - they're back to meat-and-potatoes.

One last note on ABC's upfront: Jimmy Kimmel explained how networks create reality shows. He had a platform with three "Wheel of Fortune"-type wheels trotted out, each with an array of descriptors on them; he spun each one, and came up with "The Amazing Fattest Fifth Grader," which ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson immediately announced as a midseason replacement series. Fox later bought the gadget from Kimmell for $30 million.

Anyway, before I head over to see CBS's official announcement (more on this later), here's the story on the network's fall schedule (oh, along with a desultory mention of what The CW is thinking these days):

CBS proved considerably more aggressive in revamping its 2008 fall schedule than ABC, as on Wednesday it unveiled five new series compared to ABC's mere two.

The network picked up three dramas and two comedies, adding another comedy bloc on Wednesdays. It was the first time in years a network expanded its airtime devoted to comedy after years of the genre faltering in primetime.

New shows include:

* "Eleventh Hour," a Jerry Bruckheimer production based on a British drama about a government agent (Rufus Sewell) who investigates scientific anomalies.

* "The Mentalist," starring Simon Baker as a man with acute powers of perception and deduction who aids police in solving crimes, not unlike the USA Network's "Psyche."

* "The Ex-List," starring Elizabeth Reaser as a woman told by a tarot card reader that she has already met her soul mate, so she starts looking up all the men she has dated in the past. It's based on an Israeli series.

* "Worst Week," based on a British comedy about a young couple encountering disaster at every turn as they plan their wedding.

* "Project Gary," starring Jay Mohr as a recently divorced father re-entering the dating pool.

Departing shows include "Shark," "Moonlight," "Jericho," "Cane," "Kid Nation," "Viva Laughlin" and "Welcome to the Captain."

CBS's 2008 fall schedule (* denotes new show; ** denotes new timeslot):

Monday
8 p.m. "The Big Bang Theory"
8:30 p.m. "How I Met Your Mother"
9 p.m. "Two and a Half Men"
9:30 p.m. "Worst Week" *
10 p.m. "CSI: Miami"

Tuesday
8 p.m. "NCIS"
9 p.m. "The Mentalist" *
10 p.m. "Without a Trace" **

Wednesday
8 p.m. "The New Adventures of Old Christine" **
8:30 p.m. "Project Gary" *
9 p.m. Criminal Minds"
10 p.m. "CSI: New York"

Thursday
8 p.m. "Survivor"
9 p.m. "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation"
10 p.m. "Eleventh Hour" *

Friday
8 p.m. "Ghost Whisperer"
9 p.m. "The Ex-List" *
10 p.m. "Numb3rs"

Saturday
8-10 p.m. Repeats
10 p.m. "48 Hours Mystery"

Sunday
7 p.m. "60 Minutes"
8 p.m. "The Amazing Race"
9 p.m. Cold Case"
10 p.m. "The Unit" **

The CW announced its 2008 fall schedule late Monday. It has abdicated its Sunday viewing bloc, turning it over to Media Rights Capital, which is busily developing two comedies and two dramas for the three-hour time period.

The network also announced three new shows, including a remake of the campy soap "Beverly Hills, 90210." It added that it would bring back the action comedy "Reaper" at midseason.

The CW's 2008 fall schedule (* denotes new show; ** new timeslot):

Monday
8 p.m. "Gossip Girl"
9 p.m. One Tree Hill"

Tuesday
8 p.m. "Beverly Hills, 90210" *
9 p.m. "Surviving the Filthy Rich" *

Wednesday
8 p.m. "America's Next Top Model"
9 p.m. "Stylista" *

Thursday
8 p.m. "Smallville"
9 p.m. "Supernatural"

Friday
8 p.m. "Everybody Hates Chris" **
8:30 p.m. "The Game" **
9 p.m. "America's Next Top Model" repeat **

Anne Sweeney, President, Disney-ABC Television Group: Welcome, blah blah blah, ABC's better than ever and you can watch entire episodes of shows on your phone, blah blah.

Jimmy Kimmel: Sorry there's no party this year - we're focusing less on the after-party and more on developing shows that aren't "Cavemen." Sundry NBC-bashing. TVs are bigger, kids are fatter, gas has never been more expensive - if we can't get people to watch TV under those circumstances we should all be executed gangland-style. We're very excited about all both of our new shows.

Mike Shaw, President, ABC Sales and Marketing: Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché, television is better than ever, C3, HUTs, more TV-sales jargon, we've created a formula involving actual numbers that shows that everyone on the planet watches ABC and no one watches anyone else and here are those numbers though we're keeping the formula strictly under wraps, just trust us and after all would a salesman lie? (He was like John Lahr's cable-TV executive in that DirecTV commercial - "I went to business school, where I read a book - about business school.")

Stephen McPherson, President, ABC Entertainment: We started out strong last fall. Too bad that whole writers strike thing utterly emasculated us. New shows? We don't need no stinking new shows! What? OK, here're two.

"Opportunity Knocks:" They build a set on a suburban street somewhere and have neighbors participate in some vaguely embarrassing competitions: (to a kid) "You have 45 seconds to trash your sister's room and find her diary." Ha! She doesn't even have a diary! This is the post-literate society, remember?

"Life on Mars:" Looks exactly like the British version, which as we've said was great, except the actress playing the ladycop doesn't have dark hair. Otherwise, like, even the same camera angles and color schemes. Colm Meaney and Lennie Clarke are in it. Except, as we've noted, it's going to be produced by the talent-deficit-disorder-suffering team that created "October Road," so prepare to have your heart broken.

Stephen McPherson: Well, that's it - what? We have some more time? Oh, well. Hmm. Well, here's a glimpse at some stuff we're developing that may or may not actually make it on TV.

"Four Play:" "Will & Grace" creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick busk for the cameras, explaining how their new comedy will be like nothing on TV. They're kind of kidding, but they also kind of want to believe it.

"The Goode Family:" Mike Judge explains his new cartoon show, which will be a midseason replacement, about a way too politically correct family. Could be funny; can't tell from the clip.

"In the Motherhood:" An online show starring Jenny McCarthy, Leah Rimini and Chelsea Handler (who looks a lot like Jenny McCarthy - do they accidentally do each other's lines on the set?) that has contests and people like you can write story ideas for the online show but they probably won't let you write for the real show because that's what professionals are for.

Stephen McPherson: Well, thanks for com--What? We still have more time? Jesus. Watch these clips from the summer reality shows we've slapped together.

Oh, hooray, "The Mole" and "The Bachelorette" are back! And they have something clunkily called "I Survived a Japanese Game Show," as well as something that looks precisely like a Japanese game show only it's called "Wipeout." It features people who look like they're bred at a special facility designed specifically to create lummoxes who'll be willing to appear on shows like this and make utter fools of themselves, doing belly-flops into mud-filled ponds. But it is kind of funny - for the duration of the clip, at least.

Stephen McPherson: Seriously, dude, we're completely tapped out. We'll play ourselves out (hey, Bill O'Reilly, remember that phrase?) with this unrevealing clip from an upcoming episode of "Lost." Thanks for coming. Give us money.

Man, there is no killing "According to Jim."

The show, which was cancelled then resurrected last year, only to air to abysmal ratings this winter and spring, will come back yet again as an ABC midseason replacement series.

But then, thanks to the writers strike, ABC didn't have a lot of stock on its shelves to tout when it makes its upfront presentation in about an hour. So "Jim" - which at this point will need a stake planted through its heart to keep from returning to terrify audiences anew - and poaching "Scrubs" from NBC was about as much as ABC could offer advertisers in terms of bells and whistles.

I'm off to watch the satellite feed of the upfront and will report back later today. In the meantime, here's the story for tomorrow's paper about ABC's fall 2008 schedule:

ABC kept its upfront presentation unveiling its fall 2008 schedule short and sweet on Tuesday, mainly because the network didn't have many new shows to introduce.

In introducing a schedule with so few changes, network entertainment president Stephen McPherson touted ABC's "incredibly stable schedule, a schedule that dominated in the fall. We were winning (in the ratings) until the strike."

Only two new shows will join the schedule come fall. "Life on Mars," an adaptation of the British series about a police detective who, after an automobile accident, finds himself back in the 1970s, where swaggering machismo is the order of the day in the police precincts, is the lone scripted addition. "Opportunity Knocks," a reality series created by Ashton Kutcher in which a game show is taken out into the streets for contestants in a neighborhood to play, was also added.

New midseason shows include "The Goode Family," an animated series from Mike Judge ("King of the Hill") about a stringently politically correct albeit inept family, and an untitled beauty-pageant reality series from Kutcher and Tyra Banks. ABC has also scheduled the medical comedy "Scrubs," which heretofore had aired on NBC, for midseason. "Lost," "The Bachelor," "According to Jim" and ABC News' "Primetime" will all also join the schedule at a later date.

McPherson stated that additionally, the network has 17 more pilots that are still in development, some of which will appear some time in 2009, but didn't elaborate on what they might be. "We don't feel comfortable picking stuff up until it's been fully developed," he said.

That "Boston Legal" and "Eli Stone" are returning was considered something of a surprise, since neither show was expected to return. "According to Jim" also returns despite anemic ratings - it was almost cancelled last year, as well. Their returns can be attributed to fallout from the writers strike, which prevented more new shows from being developed in a timely manner.

Departing series include "Big Shots," "Men in Trees," "Miss Guided," "Cashmere Mafia," "Carpoolers" and "Cavemen."

ABC's fall 2008 schedule (* indicates new show; ** indicates new timeslot):

Monday
8:00 p.m. "Dancing with the Stars"
9:30 p.m. "Samantha Who?"
10:00 p.m. "Boston Legal" **

Tuesday
8:00 p.m. "Opportunity Knocks" *
9:00 p.m. "Dancing with the Stars the Results Show"
10:00 p.m. "Eli Stone" **

Wednesday
8:00 p.m. "Pushing Daisies"
9:00 p.m. "Private Practice"
10:00 p.m. "Dirty Sexy Money"

Thursday
8:00 p.m. "Ugly Betty"
9:00 p.m. "Grey's Anatomy"
10:00 p.m. "Life on Mars" *

Friday
8:00 p.m. "Wife Swap" *
9:00 p.m. "Supernanny" *
10:00 p.m. "20/20"

Saturday
8:00 p.m. "Saturday Night College Football"

Sunday
7:00 p.m. "America's Funniest Home Videos"
8:00 p.m. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition"
9:00 p.m. "Desperate Housewives"
10:00 p.m. "Brothers & Sisters"

In the wake of our story yesterday on the critical situation facing the broadcast networks this upfront week come more stories on the miserable downturn in viewership for the broadcast networks and What It All Might Mean. But really, if I do say so myself, just read mine and save yourself some time.

So in the meantime, Variety indulges in its annual speculation and scooping as to what shows might be making it to the air come fall and what might not be returning ("Boston Legal" has apparently dodged a bullet, while the creators of Fox's "Back To You" will go back to the drawing board.) Given that the writers strike pretty much scrapped pilot season, drastically reducing the number of potential new shows, here's how bad things are for ABC: They haven't outright cancelled their low-rated new series "Miss Guided" and "Eli Stone."

So what may be turning up? A lot of shows based on shows from overseas.

* ABC's got "Life on Mars," based on a terrific British TV series about a police detective whose partner is kidnapped when he's hit by a car ... and wakes up in the macho '70s, where cop precincts were modeled after "Starsky & Hutch." It was developed for the network by David E. Kelley, but that's where the good news ends. The bad news is the original series only went 16 episodes, less than one season of American TV; to keep it afloat, they'll pretty much have to ignore all the stuff about his efforts to return to the present day and save his partner. Worse, ABC is said to be handing the show over to Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec and Scott Rosenberg - the guys behind the god-awful "October Road." So don't expect any character motivations to make an ounce of sense.

ABC has also ordered an animated series from Mike Judge ("King of the Hill," "Beavis & Butt-head"), "The Goode Family, and a reality show, "Opportunity Knocks," in which a game show comes to an unsuspecting contestant's home. ABC may be ramping up production quickly for midseason, so it can rid itself of the "Eli Stones" of its schedule in a timely fashion.

* CBS has reportedly ordered six new shows, including two new sitcoms for a second sitcom bloc on its schedule. Sitcoms include "Worst Week," based, again, on a very funny (but intentionally limited to 17 episodes) British series about a couple's disastrous wedding preparations (ABC's "Big Day" mined this territory a couple seasons back; it got cancelled), and "Project Gary," starring Jay Mohr as a divorced father re-entering the dating world.

CBS dramas may include "The Ex List," based on an Israeli TV show about a woman who's told by a psychic that she's already met Mr. Right (if she pays attention to tarot cards, she gets everything she deserves), and "Eleventh Hour," adapted from a British iteration of "The X-Files" and produced, inevitably, by Jerry Bruckheimer. Also possibly on tap: "The Mentalist," which isn't based on an overseas show but does sound suspiciously like an unfunny version of "Psych," and "Harper's Island," a murder-mystery-at-a-wedding drama that'll probably be too serialized to succeed.

* Fox, as we've previously noted, has Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" and J.J. Abrams' "Fringe" up for midseason. It'll add the comedies "The Inn," about a trendy Manhattan hotel from an "Arrested Development" writer (the pilot was directed by "AD's" Jason Bateman) and "Class Dismissed," an animated show based on a British show that was adapted by "AD's" Mitch Hurwitz (and features Bateman's vocal talents) but won't likely benefit from his input on a daily basis. Are you clear on all that "AD" cross-pollination?

* Oh, and The CW has some stuff going on, including that "Beverly Hills, 90210" rehash and a last-second reprieve for "Reaper," but you know, it's just hard to care.

But you know what? None of this matters, because ...

On top of all this, word comes that the networks have little faith in the palliative negotiating abilities of AMPTP's Nick Counter and are indeed bracing for an actors strike. In which case, scratch all this and get ready for the uproarious raucous reality show "Funny Dogs in Hats."

You will love this clip of Bill O'Reilly from much earlier in his career when he was on "Inside Edition" (hey, he looks nominally better without hair than he does with the hair in this clip!), in which he explodes into a Vesuvian rage due to a teleprompter glitch - or, maybe, his simply not understanding traditional TeeVee slang. (Warning: He says very dirty words very loudly.) Geez, talk about over-reacting.

This, I believe, is the demo reel that got him the gig at Fox News.

(Oh, and some of the comments below the clip are amusing, as well.)

So this is the first day of upfront week, but not a lot happened, since it's NBC's day and NBC announced its schedule from fall 2008 through summer 2009 last month (it's already tweaking things, but never mind about that).

So here's what NBC did do today:

* Announce, as expected, that Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien on "Late Night" in 2009. Trumpeted the press release: "Jimmy is more than just a likeable guy and a great comedian, he is genuinely interested in what people have to say."

* Announce a new reality-competition-dating show from the criminally underworked Ryan Seacrest: "Momma's Boys," about "a group of mothers who must help choose the perfect bride for their complacent sons ... Conflict results when numerous mothers and their eligible bachelor sons are housed together with several 'brides-to-be.' As the tension mounts, viewers will watch the controlling mothers search for their son's perfect mate." Or won't watch, as the case may be. But more: "Some of the possible brides are 'nice girls' - while others might not be as appealing to the mothers. As expected, rivalries are formed, drama mounts and emotion builds as crucial choices must be made."

So - this is "The Bachelor," only the mother picks the woman for her "complacent" son? No "Bachelor" has ever tied the knot, but that track record will seem positively honorable compared to this show's.

Seacrest ponied up the requisite press-release quote: "I am a true Momma's Boy. She is the most important woman in my life [way to stoke those rumors, Ryan!] and she is never short of opinions. This series throws Mom right in the middle of all the drama. It's loud, it's wild and it's real." Yeah, "loud" and "wild" is the direction you want to go in when making one of the most important decisions in your life.

* Announce a product-placement partnership with an automaker for its upcoming show, "My Own Worst Enemy," about a guy with a double life as a staid business- and family man and a spy. The spy'll drive a cool car and the other guy will drive a boring minivan or something and every driving scene will end with the car's grill stopping right at the camera so you can see the automaker's logo. NBC has a similar deal with another automaker for "Knight Rider." NBC is also in talks with the producers of their upcoming shows about Robinson Crusoe and Merlin to see if they can't work cars into a deserted island and Arthurian England.

Meanwhile, NBC uberlord Jeff Zucker spoke to TV Week about the future of television, and apparently, schedules and ratings aren't important anymore:

Zucker: "And it's not about the scheduling. I think this is the point that some of our competitors have missed. It was more about the dialogue that we began with these advertisers and agencies. In this world where it's much more complicated than just buying a 30-second commercial, the conversation is so much more complicated. The extra time to have these conversations has proved to be invaluable."

More Zucker: "(W)e're not going to knee-jerk change schedules just because the ratings aren't what somebody else expected them to be. It's really not just about the ratings anymore. It doesn't mean the ratings aren't still important. ... (W)e're managing for margin, not for ratings. So it's the expense of our shows, the consistency of our shows being on the schedule. It's not determined by the size of the ratings, because the size of the ratings of a show we cannot afford is not going to do us any good anymore. This is not because we do not have the outsized hits that we once did. This is because we are in a different environment where the difference between the first (place) and fourth (place) or second and third is incredibly minimal."

So NBC is arguing that if a show is cheap enough to produce and doesn't lose them money, they'll tally it up as a success, particularly if they're cozy enough with advertisers to stick some product-placement in the mix. NBC was the network that in the early '90s announced that it would no longer worry about total viewers but only those in the target demographic, viewers aged 18-49. The rest of the industry went along with them. Now, NBC's trying to change the rules again, but they're not exactly in the same position of power to get the industry to follow along this time.

We'll look at other TV issues confronting this week's upfront later this afternoon. Unless, you know, I die. Which I don't foresee happening, but you never know.

By TV's obdurate rule of diminishing returns, "House" should, at this point, be a shell of its former self, particularly when you look at the self-inflicted damage other equally successful shows have suffered in the past couple of years. And it's had its share of potential jump-the-shark moments - Sela Ward's turn as his ex and David Morse's relentless cop story arc come to mind - but series creator David Shore and his writers have spun away before any irreparable damage was done to the series, and Hugh Laurie and his supporting cast are generally so spot-on you're willing to ride out the missteps in anticipation of the next great episode.

Which brings us to tonight's episode, "House's Head," mainstream TV's equivalent of an art-house movie. It opens with House getting a lapdance in a strip club but not sure why (well, if you have to ask, fella...). Turns out he has a pretty serious scalp wound, and just fragments of memory of seeing someone exhibiting symptoms of a serious malady - but who? And where? And when?

He exits the gentlemen's establishment - that's what they call them, right? even though a real gentleman wouldn't be caught dead in one? - and around the corner, there has been a grisly bus accident, one that House somehow simply strolled away from to go to the strip bar, which somehow was so insulated that no one within was aware of the conflagration not a hundred yards from its front door.

Oh, well; these things happen on TV shows. From there, however, tonight's installment of "House" becomes a medical mystery where no one without brain damage is sure that there's actually anything to solve. House is driven to a worrying extent to find the person he may or may not have seen and save them. "Why does this matter so much?" he's asked, to which he can only respond, "I don't know."

Throughout the episode, House noodles around inside his own psyche, remembering bits of minutiae that may or may not be important. Details are sketchy - he recalls visiting a bar, but the bottles there are generically labeled "LIQUOR" OR "BEER." The bus driver is initially considered to be the afflicted person House witnessed before the crash. Wilson's (Robert Sean Leonard) girlfriend (and House's former charge) Amber (Anne Dudek) pops up in his semi-hallucinations, leading Wilson to believe that House is sweet on her. One of the pre-commercial patient collapses is that of House himself. A cool beauty who wasn't actually on the bus appears and reappears in House's internal dramas. Artful lighting dances about House's face as he tries to make sense of all of this.

All this is prelude to next week's episode, the fourth-season finale. For a show that, if anything, may be more rigidly structured than even all those crime procedurals, "House's" writers do find inventive ways to break from the formula.

And for "House" fans who've always wanted to see Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) perform a pole dance, your episode has arrived.

- "House:" 9 tonight; Fox (Channel 11).

LA.com again saw fit not to run today's story looking at the broadcast networks' challenges as we enter upfront week. Of course, if you check out the site, they still have a review posted for a "Masterpiece" film that came and went three weeks ago. So there's that.

And here's the story:

Traditionally, the May upfronts, in which broadcast networks unveil their fall schedules to advertisers and media journalists in New York City, have been a weeklong party. The presentations offer spectacle, comedy, music (The Who once performed for CBS) and a cavalcade of stars from each networks' programs, followed by lavish parties with alcohol flowing copiously.

This year, as the networks reveal their fall schedules over the upcoming week, the mood won't exactly be funereal, but it'll be far less celebratory than in the past. Every network except, perhaps, Fox is expected to take hits in advertising revenue next season.

Only Fox and CBS will offer traditional upfronts, though CBS's may offer fewer bells and whistles than usual. NBC, whose executives decried the expense involved in mounting upfronts and have anyway already unveiled a tentative schedule spanning from fall 2008 through summer 2009, will instead focus on touting NBC Universal's cable and online offerings for advertisers.

ABC will reveal its 2008-09 plans in a short, frill-free presentation with no party. The CW, coming off a disastrous second season, will forego an upfront altogether, opting only for a cocktail reception during which it will sketch out its plans for next season. (For one thing, it has abandoned Sunday night, opting to rent its airtime to a media conglomerate that will create programming and sell advertising.)

Tally up another victim of the writers strike. After the loss of original scripted programming played havoc with the networks' winter schedules and resulted in widespread viewer attrition - which wasn't reversed once new episodes of series returned - the networks are looking to cut corners wherever they can.

Moreover, the strike cut into pilot season, during which new shows are developed, so the networks have significantly less with which to titillate advertisers than in the past.

So at a time when the networks need strong programming to lure back viewers who have strayed, they have precious little to whet their desire to return. Not to mention the possibility of an actors strike this summer, which no one in the TV industry wants to contemplate.

"The fact that we broke viewers of their viewing habits will, in all likelihood, carry over into next year," concedes Preston Beckman, Fox's executive vice president of strategic program planning and research. "But it's like the baseball strike - if we have a couple of compelling new hit scripted shows ... on the broadcast networks this season, it'll reenergize viewers to network TV."

He adds, "Given that we were all kind of behind the eight-ball this year, I don't know if you'll see new programming on in the fall, but by the end of the season, a couple of quality scripted series will remind people why they've always watched broadcast television."

It may not be quite that easy. Marc Berman, ratings analyst for Mediaweek magazine, declares, "There's no reason to think that people will rush back after being away for three months. You can't mess with an audience. And even before the strike, the networks were still down. There were no big new hit shows this past season, nothing worth noting. In fact, we haven't seen any really big hit shows since the 2004 season [when 'Lost,' 'Desperate Housewives,' 'House' and 'Grey's Anatomy' all debuted]. And a lot of the veteran shows are losing steam."

Indeed, TV's most popular scripted shows - "Desperate Housewives," "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," "Grey's Anatomy," "House," "Lost" and "Heroes" - all hemorrhaged millions of viewers this season. Each of the networks lost about 10 percent or more of their audience since last season in terms of overall viewers and target demographics, though Fox has fared the best (or, lost the least).

At the same time, cable channels like ABC Family, Bravo, Comedy Central, HGTV, Lifetime, Oxygen, Sci Fi Channel, TBS, TNT and USA have each enjoyed huge bumps in viewership in the first quarter of 2008. Many, in fact, enjoyed the most successful month in their histories in April.

Which means viewers aren't tuning out of TV in favor of the Internet, as conventional wisdom would have it. They're just migrating from the broadcast networks, which cost exponentially more to operate than their cable cousins, even though the difference in their respective ratings numbers are dwindling on an almost weekly basis.

"If ever in the history of the medium the broadcast networks needed a few good hits, this is the time," says Robert Thompson, founding director of Syracuse University's Bleier Center for Television and Popular Culture. "But even if they find them, given the new economic models in the industry these days, how do they pay for them? Can you afford to do that anymore?"

Due to the writers strike, most networks won't have many new shows to unveil this week. They'll continue to develop programming through the summer. Fox, with two high-profile projects with celebrated showrunners - Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" and J.J. Abrams' "Fringe" - will fine-tune both with an eye toward debuting them in early 2009.

"We knew we didn't need a lot in the fourth quarter, so we didn't have to rush projects or make hasty decisions," says Beckman of Fox, which airs baseball's World Series but otherwise tends to get off to a slow start in the fall. "Our needs for fall are minimum. ... We can fail in the fourth quarter and have failure-proof shows in "(American) Idol" and "24" in January and beyond, which gets us back on track."

Other networks, however, have gotten skittish and rushed some new shows into production, ordering up drama presentations, which are usually about half the length of a regular pilot.

"Initially, they weren't going to do anything because nothing was ready, but in the course of three weeks this spring, there was this slate of stuff they wanted to produce," says a TV producer speaking on the condition of anonymity. "The list multiplied out of nowhere. Some didn't have completed scripts, but they wanted to shoot in three weeks. It was haphazard. One show that's on the air couldn't get its guest cast hired because everyone waiting to hear if they got pilots.

"What we'll end up producing are some half-baked shows that are not as well thought-out as they should be," the producer continues. "They're racing through production, but if you're on a deadline to make advertisers happy, are you going to make them happy with something half-baked? It's like doing your homework the night before the project is due. I haven't heard any kind of positive buzz on anything that's been in production. Usually you hear about one or two or three things that people are high on, but this year, I've heard nothing except what a mess everything has been to get to this finish line."

The producer insists, "In the wake of the writers strike, you need to spend more time getting it right. Otherwise, you'll lose more audience, and then, what the hell was the point of the strike? You're not making anything that'll make money because it won't be on the air long enough."

But Rob Roy Thomas, a writer/producer/director (Fox's "Free Ride," Bravo's "Significant Others"), isn't surprised by the confusion and mixed messages prefacing this week's upfront presentations.

"This is like a market crash and the markets are resetting themselves right now," he says. "Things are getting redefined and we're in middle of that process. When you're in a state of redefinition, there's nothing surprising about chaos. But we're always surprised by chaos."

Thomas believes the ad agencies will be sympathetic to the networks' paroxysms while undergoing change.

"After all that has happened, will the buyers expect anything else? They know what they're getting into," he says. "The networks are in transition and not sure which way they're going to go - they're used to constants and they're dealing now with variables. They're going to have to lump it and get through this metamorphosis. They'll lose some money along the way. Even though it's financially difficult and scary, it's never been more interesting."

And though some say network TV is a victim of burgeoning technologies, Thomas says that with time, it will survive thanks to the new technologies, as it learns just how to embrace the Internet.

"Right now, network TV is a patient," he says. "We just have to keep it alive and comfortable until the new technological kidney comes in."

There are a couple of ways a traditional reviewer could open a discussion of Seth MacFarlane and Alex Borstein's Saturday-night concert at L.A.'s Ahmanson Theatre benefiting CTG. You could count how many references there were to MacFarlane becoming Hollywood's new $100-million-man (answer: too many to keep count; at one point, Borstein told him, "It's your world; we're just breathing the air"). Or you could focus on how the two hijacked the concept of having people sign the show for deaf audience members, forcing them to perform sign-language's assignations for just about every dirty word and sexual position the human population has been able to discover to this point. (So it was educational - we learned how deaf people convey the concepts of @ssholes and cunnilingus to one another on this most edifying of evenings.)

Or, you could choose to meld these disparate approaches and marvel at how one of the richest men in the universe has become so by reveling in such crass, debasing, utterly politically incorrect and, yes, pretty much devastatingly hilarious gags.

For the uninitiated, MacFarlane created the cartoon show "Family Guy," a funny show that becomes exponentially funnier when you hear about religious groups' complaints about it, which Fox cancelled not once but twice before this past week shoveling a cool $100-mill into his lap to keep doing it (and developing other shows, besides, for the next four years). MacFarlane also provides the voice of the show's clueless protagonist, portly (to be kind) Peter Griffin, as well as a host of other characters; Borstein plays Peter's long-suffering-to-the-point-that-it-becomes-eternally-suffering wife, Lois.

So anyway. Saturday night's concert, MacFarlane and Borstein explained, was something you'd experience if you shuffled through "a retard's iPod." They also worked off a vague alphabetical conceit, as well, crooning tunes with titles from A to Z, though adherence to their concept with letters such as L, V and Z were pretty sketchy, at best.

One of the evening's recurring jokes was performing songs inappropriately, offering a Vegas hack's stylings to the theme to "Animal House" or Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." (MacFarlane did his best Dean Martin impersonation, sitting on a stool, smoking cigs and quaffing Jack Daniels, throughout the event.)

But then, pretty much everything was inappropriate, if you have any taste. It's hard to precisely finger the most tasteless moment, but it was probably one of these:

* Borstein protesting MacFarlane singing "Edelweiss," saying her family included Holocaust victims. MacFarlane replied, "I don't think this is a place to bring your Hebrew baggage."

* Borstein performing Diana Ross' "Upside Down" in Marlee Matlin's slurred speaking voice. MacFarlane then asked the sign interpreters how they conveyed said slurring in their signing.

* In a version of the mawkish Barbra Streisand/Neil Diamond ditty "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" rewritten for Peter and Lois, MacFarlane and Borstein lamented very specific sexual acts that the drifting couple no longer performed on one another.

MacFarlane also did "Rocket Man" as "Family Guy's" Stewie, channeling William Shatner. They performed Queen's theme song from the movie "Flash Gordon" only to point out how sh!tty it was - so bad that they got bored and wandered offstage, where Borstein purported serviced Seth with some oral sex. Britney Spears, Monty Python, the Bee Gees, Lindsay Lohan, "The Little Mermaid," Blondie, Tina Turner and the Muppets came victim to their show's assault. The number of obscure TV themes MacFarlane offered up called into question just how much of his youth was wasted on crap TV.

Oh, and Borstein revealed she was pregnant. It wasn't until after intermission that MacFarlane realized she wasn't just doing some sort of shtick.

I've heard the term "painfully funny," but I didn't really understand it until Saturday night - my herniated disk and sciatica had returned with a vengeance, so every time I laughed I suffered a sharp, shooting pain. But not laughing wasn't exactly an option.

Janeane Garofalo opened the evening. "I would rather take a salt bullet to the knee than see 'Made of Honor,'" she declared, not unreasonably. Noting that she had a role in "24" this season before the writers strike (it'll return next year), Garofalo probably gave up more information than the producers would have liked: She'll play an FBI agent who can out-hack the show's resident computer expert, Chloe. Oh, and "Jack's gone rogue," but then, Jack always goes rogue. She explained what little she could make of the show: "Jack Bauer's an important guy and he gives people his word a lot."

And something else that'll endear her to the producers: "I don't watch this sh!t." They had shot nine episodes before the strike; expect her character to die a horrible death by episode 11.