An LA Unified Game Plan

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest ways of saving the Los Angeles Unified School District money, which may also save some souls and landholdings along the way. The plan is actually quite simple and can be broken down into three easy steps.

First, they should get rid of all the consultants who are making more than ten thousand dollars a year, as in "adios," "hasta la bye-bye, baby" and "don't call us, we'll call you." After all, if it weren't for those meatballs, the district may not be in the mess that it's in. According to some estimates, it would save around 182 million dollars a year, but it would actually save more due to all the unused plastic coffee cups, stirrers, and fake cream and sugar. It would also save on the creases they wore in the rugs from getting all that coffee, sugar and creamers.

Total estimated savings: Consultants: 182 million dollars. Coffee and condiments: 3 million dollars. Rugs: 3 million dollars. Savings from the overpriced vendors who sold them the goods to begin with: Priceless.

Next, test to see who qualifies for early retirement back at headquarters with the following from the newly formed firm of Gitte Faigele Saunders, Esq.: Anyone who hasn't moved from his seat in about a year (one point). Anyone whose desk has collected dust (one point). Anyone whose inbox contains papers last dated at 1989 (one point) Anyone who isn't breathing and has no pulse (Two points). Two points or higher, you get the boot or 90% of the workforce.

Last is the teacher buyout or the early retirement program. Not only is the Los Angeles Unified School District top-heavy with administrative personnel, but with veteran teachers. Look for the hair gone white since the age of about forty-three and those who would jump, leap, forget about their arthritis and do a cartwheel at the mere thought of it. The whole thing would be a plum deal for the district that is probably tired of paying them anyway. Estimated savings: Priceless, especially if I get to be in that program.

With the extra loot, the district could add to rather than reduce its counseling staff. Let's define a counselor. A counselor (noun) is someone who counsels students and others with their problems and helps them weather the vicissitudes of life. It is not someone who breathes in and out and shuffles program cards.

Cost? Priceless. And it is cheaper than building more jails and detention centers.