Shatner (scatological pun expurgated) upon

At Comedy Central’s roast of William Shatner Sunday night (it’ll air next Sunday at 10 p.m.), the network began plying audience members with wine a full 90 minutes before the taping began, served in carafes by women modeling those shiny, futuristically functional micromini dresses that figured so frequently in “Star Trek� episodes. Besides those outfits, the women wore glum – well, let’s just say less than ebullient – expressions on their faces and spent at least as much time self-consciously pulling down their skirts as they did bringing wine to those assembled. There was no food – unless you count nuts as food (and, being allergic, I don’t) – until the party after the taping, ensuring viewers would be well-lubricated and, theoretically, more ready to laugh during the taping, which ran more than two and a half hours. (Fortunately, viewers at home, with a less fulsome supply of alcohol to tide them over, will see a lean, trimmed-down version of the event.)

While many of those torching Shatner were plenty amusing, the roster of roasters would’ve been well served by some judicious omissions, and maybe some of the assorted comics could’ve consulted with one another to see which of the many obvious targets each of them were planning to emphasize, or run full into the ground.

Jason Alexander was the evening’s host; Shatner himself rode a horse through the crowd for his entrance. He took in the proceedings from Captain Kirk’s helm from the original series or, as Shatner referred to it, that “cheap (expletive) chair� (if viewers are treated to only the clean material from the event, it’ll run a good 10 minutes; as is, they’ll be treated to bleeps upon bleeps upon bleeps). Women slathered in green body-paint – again, referencing a particular episode from the original series – served beverages to those onstage (and, clearly, too much to comic Andy Dick, who single-handedly dragged the event out a good 15 minutes longer than it needed to be; comedian Patton Oswalt at one point poured out Dick’s drink in a vain effort to curtail his relentless scene-stealing and, referring to last year’s Comedy Central souse, asked, “Why do I feel that Courtney Love killed Andy Dick and put his skin on?�)

So here’s a very unofficial count of the joke-types employed to mock Shatner throughout the evening:

“Star Trek:� 41 (this refers to the number of jokes aimed at Shatner and not others on the dais, and also, not mere references)
Shatner’s eccentric acting style: 36
The fact that he’s overweight: 25
Bill’s hairpiece: 18
Shatner’s song-stylings, more eccentric even than his acting: 14
References to “Boston Legal� and/or “The Practice,� for which Shatner has won two Emmys: One, maybe two.
(Mr. Shatner is lucky that I neglected from the outset to count the number of references to the perception that he’s a bit of a, uhhh, jerk when it comes to dealing with co-stars, but I estimate those gags tallied more than the toupee jokes but less than those about his over-acting.)

However, the most jokes throughout the evening referred to roaster and former “Star Trek� star George Takei’s not-all-that-recent decision to come out of the closet. Again, I didn’t begin a tally on that genre of jape from the outset, but if I had, they would’ve gone off the chart. If a panelist didn’t make a Takei-is-gay joke, they simply weren’t trying hard enough. (Of course, if they did more than a couple, they were trying -too hard.)

A few celebrities had significant problems reading the teleprompter, most notably Farrah Fawcett, who, after bumbling a few too many line readings, felt the need to declare, “OK, I’m not on anything!�

Thankfully, they saved the best for last: A blisteringly funny set by Lisa Lampanelli, who has easily usurped Jeffrey Ross’s position as postmodern roastmaster general (Ross has simply gotten too lazy and complacent, while Lampanelli truly hones a vitriolic, virtuosic, evening-appropriate – if on most other levels utterly inappropriate – set). Most of the best gags – not just Lampanelli’s – can’t be recounted here without a host of (expletive deleted’s) and (censored’s) and (are-you-kidding?-I’d-get-fired-if-I-even-tried-to-hint-at-that-word’s). So good luck to Comedy Central's editors and to those trying to make sense out of what's being said under the copious bleeps when the special airs next week.