"I Hate Myself and Want to Die"

Tonight at Los Feliz’s Skylight Books, Tom Reynolds presented one of the more entertaining book readings I’ve attended. Promoting his book “I Hate Myself and Want to Die: The 52 Most Depressing Songs You’ve Ever Heard,� Reynolds offered up a hilarious multi-media extravaganza featuring passages from his book, actress Jennifer Coolidge (who makes the most of her scenes in Christopher Guest’s movies and almost managed to make “Joey� seem amusing) and a young vocalist named Cara, who managed to make the wretched palatable.

If Reynolds' “reading� was funny, you can just imagine what the book’s like. Obviously, since I just got the book tonight (“Thanks for coming out and enjoying the doom,� Reynolds signed it), I haven’t read the whole thing, but his take on Celine Dion’s cover of Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself� almost single-handedly justifies the cover price ($12.95, from Hyperion, by the way).

“Her remake of Carmen’s song is the audio equivalent of the bombing of Dresden,� Reynolds writes. “In fact, had she been around in 1944, the Allies could’ve skipped the D-Day invasion and just dropped her off at Omaha Beach with a PA system so she could sing ‘All By Myself’ until the German infantry bayoneted themselves.�

(Fun fact: “I Hate Myself and Want to Die� was what Elizabeth Wurtzel originally wanted to entitle her first book, until she realized she could become the Voice of a Generation by naming it “Prozac Nation.�)

Reynolds divvies the tunes up into sundry categories, the worst of which he deems “Perfect Storms,� “the audio equivalent of a Donner Party guide loudly insisting he knows the way through the pass.�

You could probably guess a lot of the songs that appear here: Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen,� for example, which, Reynolds explains, “relates how, at age 17, Ms. Ian made the startling discovery that physically attractive people are more popular than unattractive people. At 18, she found out that gravity makes things fall.� Or Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Old Lang Syne:� “I’ve heard it played at (a long laundry list of department stores). Hearing Dan Fogelberg songs reminds me of buying socks.� Treacle-meisters Barry Manilow, Harry Chapin and Mariah Carey are also toasted.

But Reynolds also trashes revered artists, as well. On Bruce Springsteen’s “The River:� “Frankly, I’d rather drag my scalp over a cheese grater than listen to it again. … Just once I’d love to hear Bruce sing about somebody getting plastered on Cristal and driving a Bentley into a swimming pool.� On Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb:� “If there ever was a recording that could substitute for Demerol, this is the one.�

At tonight’s reading, Reynolds, at protracted length, amusingly trashed The Doors’ “The End.� “All you need is a D-minor chord and a lead singer who’s loaded up on LSD,� he declared, adding that the song is “music you’d listen to while changing religions.�

Interestingly, one attendee at the event was wearing a Jim Morrison T-shirt. I watched him closely while Reynolds made mincemeat of his idol. He was laughing as much as anybody.

Afterwards, Reynolds told me he listened to 10,000 songs while preparing his book (though he tended to favor better-known songs over more obscure, more soul-draining tunes). Nonetheless, there’s an iPod you'll want to steer clear of.